Jules is yet another person whose life fits within the ‘Childhood’s got a lot to answer for’. It has been – and continues to be a difficult life, as she struggles with and sometimes almost loses against her demons. BUT, as an amazingly grounded person who knows what’s what, Jules is definitely a survivor, and through her painful honesty – a shining example to all of us.
I was born in Wokingham Hospital. There was Mother, Father and two older brothers – and everything was hunky dorey as far as I knew until I was nine. And, then, when I was nine, my parents got divorced and I ended up having to stay with my biological Father. Mum had to leave me and my two brothers with my Father because she didn’t have anywhere to go. And because my brothers were that much older than me, they moved out – leaving me with my Father. So I started playing up – not going to school, started smoking and just generally being a little twirp.
My Father wouldn’t let me see my Mum in that period of time, so I arranged to meet her behind his back one night after school. And, when I went back home and explained I just wanted to spend an evening with Mum, he dragged me upstairs, packed my bags, threw the bags at Mum and said “You can fucking have her – I don’t want her any more”. So that was that, really. I was ten years old by then so I’d had a year of not seeing much of Mum.
My Father – I don’t know what you’d call him, really, but he was a control freak. For example, if Mum had been seen talking to someone in the High Street, he’d want to know why. If she went out in the car, he checked the mileage to see where she’d been. She wasn’t allowed to get a job and it was a case of “I want my dinner on the table at 5 o’clock, I want my shirts to be ironed…” and all that sort of pressure, I suppose you’d call it. And it all just got too much for Mum – and that’s why the marriage broke down, I think.
So my Mum went up to Yorkshire to her Mum and Dad – she left with nothing. And then she came back down to Berkshire again and bought a mobile home – and I went to live with her. I can’t really remember exactly what happened during that time – whether I went back to him for a bit after he threw me out. May be I just blocked it. Anyway, when Mum bought the mobile home she was seeing this bloke who had a daughter. The daughter was a bit wierd – she was also diabetic – insulin dependent. I remember she would eat all these Mars Bars, Marathons and sweet stuff and get herself to the state that she was almost comatose. And this was putting a lot of pressure on Mum and her bloke – and I wasn’t enjoying it much either. I suppose I was about ten and a half by this time and this girl was a couple of years older than me. I know most of the time I was totally off my head down the local bus shelter bunking off school and cycling so I could go fishing for the day. And it was just too much for Mum. I guess I was being a real shit – so Mum got Social Services involved and I was made a ward of court. So at the age of eleven I was whisked off to this children’s home. I remember there were eight other kids there and that the woman who looked after us had to be called Aunty. While I was in the children’s home I just went haywire and, basically, got seriously into drink and drugs – all sorts of things; in fact, you name it and I’d taken it in my time.
So, when I came out of care, I was fifteen and a half. Mum was married by that time – but to a different bloke, and that’s when I came back to live with her. I guess it took about three to four weeks for him to say “It’s either me or her” – so I had to go. I guess I’ve been tested since I was 11. You know, I just always really wanted my Mum’s attention and just wasn’t getting it. I remember I used to steal from her purse – and she’d say, “Julie, have you been in my bloody purse again?”. And I’d say “Yes, Mum, but I haven’t spent it”. And Mum later said it was the most infuriating thing I ever did. I just wanted her attention.
I guess my brothers just tootled on with their lives during this time. One worked with Dad and the other moved in with mates and did odd jobs. I’ve got a relationship with my older brother, but not seen my younger brother for about 30 years now – as I never liked the way he treated Mum, and he’s always made it very clear he doesn’t want anything to do with me – and that’s fine. My brothers see each other occasionally – not as much as they used to, but still see each other. They got into trouble too – one drove a vehicle when he was an under-age teenager and got sent to Borstal for six months or so – which was a short sharp shock and he was a different lad after that. And, although I’m not good at putting dates and stuff together, my other brother had a key worker and had to go to this group once a week, so he was a bit of a tearaway in his time too.
I’ve never been in touch with my Father because of what he did to Mum and because he threw me out when I was ten. He probably threw me out because he was thoroughly pissed off with me. I’m not sure if it was to get at Mum – although I didn’t think of it in that respect at that time, or because I was a little shit; probably he was just fed up to his back teeth with me. I’ve seen him a handful of times since I was 16 and occasionally I find myself driving past his house – sort of having a peek to see if I can see anything. I saw him cutting the grass once – I didn’t want to stop – just sort of, alright, he’s still there. No, there’s no love lost and no, I won’t be going to his funeral.
It’s like with my Gran (that’s my Father’s Mum) – I wanted to go to my Gran’s funeral and my Father told me I wasn’t welcome. He said “You didn’t see her when she was alive so why do you want to see her when she’s dead?”. But, what he didn’t know, was that I used to go round and see my Gran and she just chose not to tell him – so I respected his wishes and didn’t go to the funeral – so, that’s about it, really.
So, going on from 15 – Mum asked me to go. I had to get myself somewhere to live – and had to get a job as I was old enough to work. So, I went to the local supermarket and did the early morning clean-up there, which paid for my rent.
I remember my room was just a tiny box-room. It had a single bed and a bedside locker and it was tough as I had to live by my own efforts with nobody to prop me up. Yes, I was pissed off with Mum, but I still carried on seeing her – but just not that frequently. I was doing all sorts of drugs and other illegal things at that time – but I still had to keep working to pay my rent. And, I guess that was when I started wandering into all the different branches of the Samaritans driven by desperation, I think, and not really knowing what to do – but suicidal all the time and not having anybody to talk to about anything that was going on. I didn’t have friends from school and had nowhere to go, in fact, I couldn’t even tell you the names of the kids I went to school with. I know I didn’t go to school much, but it should have been enough for me to be able to tell you classmates’ names – even if it was just their first names. Perhaps, it was because I didn’t want to invest in anybody because that’s the way you get hurt – so if you keep yourself to yourself you can’t be let down. So then the only person who’s going to let you down is yourself. So I kept working at the supermarket plus getting myself some private cleaning jobs. I also got myself a moped and gradually got myself into bigger and better things – which meant having cars.
There have been times – many times actually, when I thought I wasn’t going to make it, but you just keep plodding along, don’t you?
I first met Andrew in a local café when I was 11 – he was 12 years older than me, and we just sort of stayed in touch through all my wayward years. He used to come and visit me when I was in the children’s home when I was going through some really crap times As I said I was into all sorts of ‘stuff’ and my friend Andrew played a part in that. We had all sorts of deals going on – getting stuff here, there and everywhere. And I was into joy-riding – for which Andrew was quite happy to supply the cars.
Andrew was working in the scrap business, so we’d go and put leaflets through people’s doors to see if they had any cars for cash. Then we’d go round and say “well, your car’s crap and it’s got no MOT so it’s not worth anything but we’ll take it off your hands for forty quid” – and they’d pay us to take it away. Then we’d go to the parts department of this local motor company and say “We’ve got this Cortina what do you want off it? And they’d say “we’ll have the mirrors, the doors or the bonnet” – so we’d get 30 or 40 quid – and that way we were able to make quite a lot of money. We had some good times together – so it wasn’t all crap. I suppose I just bundled my way through really at this time – visiting the Samaritans in different locations, kept taking drugs, drinking and all that shit.
But then I managed to get this job working in a dogs’ boarding kennel the other side of Newbury. It was at the back of the stable yard. The dogs were OK but I was bloody terrified of the horses. I had a mobile home as part of the job so that was alright. I stayed in this job for a fair few years – starting off just working in the boarding kennels and then working my way up until I was running the kennels.
I think it was while I was working at the kennels that I decided I was going to college to do a preliminary Certificate in Social Care – which got you on the bottom of the ladder to being a social worker. So I’d been going there doing this course for about six months – and getting good marks too…and then Andrew asked me to marry him. And so everything went out the window. I stopped going to college, moved in with Andrew and we were married within a fortnight.
And then we had a car crash. A JCB pulled out in front of us, Andrew swerved to miss it, hit a car that was waiting to turn right and I broke my neck. I walked around for a fortnight thinking I’ve got really bad whiplash. Then when I went to the doctors, they sent for an ambulance which picked me up from there and I was flat on my back for nearly three months in a Stoke Mandeville bed. Had all sorts of traction and all that rubbish as I had fractured my C2 and C3 vertebrae. And I’ll give Andrew his due, he came to visit me every day. Unfortunately, though, I found out through another friend he’d been shagging my best friend while I was in hospital. I was none too impressed.
So where did I go from there? I suppose all in all the marriage lasted about a year – and after that we were divorced. Andrew later became transgender where he did the three years of living as a woman.
It all caught me unawares, really. And, yeah, we did talk about it later and Andrew said he knew he was different from when he was a teenager, but that he couldn’t let anything like that out and wanted to do everything his Mum and Dad wanted him to do ie get married, have children and all that sort of stuff. Actually, Andrew did have two kids from when he was married before – and another kid with my mate – and as far as I know that’s it. I said to Andrew later “I guess, things could have been so different if you had talked to me”. And I think ‘things’ could have been really different, but it wasn’t meant to be.
I’m not in touch with Andrew any more. I think I was just really hurt after knowing him for as long as I’d known him. I trusted him and it blew me to smithereens really. If you don’t trust people you’re very insular and you teach yourself not to get hurt. And when you do trust people you’ve always got that element of being hurt. I do trust now but it took me a long long time.
….So I went back to living at the back of this stable yard and was getting my drugs very nicely thank you – and had been for numerous years. And then the dealer who was supplying them decided he wanted me to supply for him. And I said “No. I’m not doing that. It’s my choice if I want to take drugs, but I’m not selling drugs to anybody else”. This went down like a lead balloon and the next time I’d been out and I came back to the caravan, I found straw all the way round my mobile home and a box of matches on the front door step. And he poisoned my dog. So, I decided pretty quick I needed to do something otherwise I was going to end up six feet under.
So I went up to Manchester to stay with a friend of a friend – who proceeded to take my shoes off me, locked me in her house and I went through cold turkey – which I don’t think you ever forget. But the lady whose house I was staying in stuck with me and by me. I became Christian while I was up in Manchester too as the lady who owned the house is – and I guess I’ve been moving forwards all the time since then. I still have naff days, crap days – crap weeks even, but the majority of the time I’m quite stable and manage to keep bumbling along.
I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and have been put on some serious meds for it. Yes, I hear voices – which is what led up to the diagnosis. I was going to this centre – a mental health unit, because I was so depressed. I just wasn’t going out – and when I did go out, I wouldn’t go out on my own. I used to go shopping once a week and if I hadn’t got what I needed in a quarter of an hour, I went without it because I had to get back home in 20 minutes – and that was with my Mum.
Yeah, so it was a really deep, dark place and with voices doing my head in. So, I went to the GP who sent me to this centre where I had to fill in all these questionnaires and stuff, like, ‘Are you suicidal? Have you thought of it? What would you do?’ – and all that sort of stuff, it could have filled a book. But I was honest and said I was suicidal – and, actually, I have got a place on the M3. But although I was honest about this, further down the line when they sent me to see a psychiatrist and after visiting her a few times she asked me if I heard voices, I said no because you’ve always got to have in the back of your mind whether you’re going to get sectioned or not. So because of that my answer about hearing voices was always no as I didn’t want to get sectioned because I don’t think I could cope with people controlling me; I’m just not willing to hand myself over to anyone else. I like to keep my own council – but that’s just me.
The day I said yes to the suicide question, they put me on some pretty serious meds – stuff which was great for a period of time. But this has all happened since I’ve been back in my flat in Hampshire and I’ve been there for 12 years now. Of course, there are times when I’m not coping so well, but I recognise the signs now – my shrink said “If you’ve got a crisis, go via your GP, but I’m always willing to see you – even though it might take a bit of time”.
What would I say to other people? I don’t know, I’d have to talk to them first and suss out where they’re coming from. I believe it’s each to their own. At least when you take the meds, you don’t have to think about what’s going on in your head as much. Although my head sometimes goes at 100mph, I feel that I am walking through treacle – that’s the only way I can describe it. I tried a lot of things to blot out my past and try and get some release from all the shit that can go on in my head: self harm, drugs and alcohol. I drank because I enjoyed it. I could be wrong, but I think some people look for escapism in, say, drugs – something to concentrate on instead of concentrating on what the problem is.
Religion? Well, I don’t know, really, because I don’t do religion because I believe in God – so I suppose it’s horses for courses – just whatever gets you through. If it stops the shit going on in your head at 100mph, then you do whatever is best for you; I know I do what’s best for me, so I assume other people do that as well.
I think it is since I became a Christian that I have got my act together. Ever since this lady – who is now my friend, took my shoes away so I couldn’t do a runner to get more drugs, and she used to drag me to church along with her children, as she wasn’t going to leave me alone in the house – I used to hate going to church with a passion. But then as I was getting clean, I thought, this seems OK and it just went on from there. Actually, it helps me, it has helped, I believe to trust people again and it’s helped me to believe that I don’t think people are better than me anymore. They might know more than me, but it doesn’t make them better than me; I guess I see people more as equals now – which hasn’t always been the case.
These days, I try and keep busy. I haven’t got a huge long list of friends as I’m still very careful who I trust – and probably always will be, but I do think I’m better at trusting now than I used to be – but I do also think that that is just part of growing up.
There have been times – many times actually, when I thought I wasn’t going to make it, but you just keep plodding along, don’t you?
I think when I was growing up I blamed my Mum for much of it, but as I have grown up I’ve also realised, that circumstances made ‘things’ that way. I think when you grow up you just look at ‘things’ differently. I’m not saying that I agree with all Mum did, but I do understand it now. The thing is she’s my Mum and I love her and our relationship now is better than it’s ever been. I care about my Mum and it’s a really good strong relationship that we have now.
Have I made the best of my life? I don’t know – and I can’t really say I’ve really thought about it. I sort of take every day as it comes and see what it brings me. I don’t particularly look at the future – in fact, I couldn’t even tell you what I’ll be doing for the rest of this week. I haven’t a clue myself, so I definitely couldn’t say what I’ll be doing next year – I haven’t even considered it. I have to get through this week first and that’s how I take it day by day, week by week.
I do try to make improvements in my life – getting clean was a huge step and apart from the occasional rum and coke, I don’t drink any more. And I don’t feel I need to have a bottle of rum in the cupboard. So, yeah, I just sort of take every day as it comes and see what happens……..
Jules’s first thoughts on applying Purrrrrfect Foundations. Nourish Food… well, I’m not brilliant about that. I’m dieting at the moment – using Slimfast shakes, which
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